I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
