that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He passed out mid-signature
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
