my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
