I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
