4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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