For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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