It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
literally had 100 drinks last night.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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