I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
