I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
