What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
