I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just forgot I was standing up.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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