Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize