im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
