Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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