Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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