i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
