If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
