I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
