I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
