I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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