dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize