I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
