Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
