I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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