Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
