get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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