she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
