Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
