PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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