I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
