New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
