On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
