All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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