Someone shit on the floor
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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