Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
