i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
