that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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