I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize