I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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