At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
