Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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