woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
