I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
