I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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