why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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