Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
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