I wish I could teleport
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
