but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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