hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
