Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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