You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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