Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
