I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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