I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
