i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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