dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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