how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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