I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
