I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
