Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
