I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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